The main sign of codependency is consistently elevating the needs of others above your own. This may manifest as self-sacrifice, seeking approval from others, or accepting blame to avoid conflict.

Codependency often has you funneling your energy into supporting the people in your life without making space for — or even considering — what you need for yourself.

Other signs include controlling behaviors, self-sacrifice, and fear of rejection. But these aren’t the only ones.

Understanding what codependency really is and recognizing the signs of codependency in your behavior is an important first step toward building healthy boundaries and honoring your own needs.

What is codependency?
Codependency is a way of behaving in relationships where you persistently prioritize someone else over you, and you assess your mood based on how they behave.

Vicki Botnick, a marriage and family therapist in Tarzana, CA, explained that codependency often involves a sense of forgetting “where you end and your partner begins.”

The more you focus on providing the support you believe others need, the more heavily they may begin to lean on you. Over time, it becomes increasingly difficult to disentangle yourself.

Codependent traits can eventually:

• lead to a disconnect from your own needs and desires
• promote unhealthy relationship dynamics
• affect self-worth and overall well-being
• By this original definition, “codependent” might describe loved ones who “enabled” alcohol use. Today, experts agree that codependency has a more nuanced and complex meaning — and can show up in many situations, not just ones involving substance use.

“Codependency refers to any enmeshed relationship in which one person loses their sense of independence and believes they need to tend to someone else,” Botnick explained.

According to a 2018 research review, patterns of codependent behavior generally involve four main themes:

• self-sacrifice
• a tendency to focus on others
• a need for control, which may fuel conflict
• difficulty recognizing and expressing emotions
• These themes can show up across various types of relationships — and even in the way you relate to yourself.

Signs of codependency
Codependency isn’t considered a mental health condition, and experts have yet to outline specific diagnostic criteria for it. Common signs of codependency include:

• a deep-seated need for approval from others
• self-worth that depends on what others think about you
• a habit of taking on more work than you can realistically handle, both to earn praise or to lighten a loved one’s burden
• a tendency to apologize or take on blame in order to keep the peace
• a pattern of avoiding conflict
• a tendency to minimize or ignore your own desires
• excessive concern about a loved one’s habits or behaviors
• a habit of making decisions for others or trying to “manage” loved ones
• a mood that reflects how others feel rather than your own emotions
• guilt or anxiety when doing something for yourself
• doing things you don’t really want to do simply to make others happy
• idealizing partners or other loved ones, often to the point of maintaining relationships that leave you unfulfilled
• overwhelming fears of rejection or abandonment
• With codependency, the need to support others goes beyond what’s generally considered healthy.

If you behave in codependent ways, you don’t just offer support temporarily, such as when a loved one faces a setback. Instead, you tend to focus on caretaking and caring for others to the point that you begin to define yourself in relation to their needs.

Codependency vs. Dependency
Interdependent relationships involve partners who depend on each other. This means you don’t just focus on their needs or draw your value from self-sacrifice; you’re also available to support them when needed.

As Katherine Fabrizio, a therapist in Raleigh, NC, explained, “A healthy, supportive relationship involves listening, striving to understand, and keeping in mind the concerns of another person. Codependency is when that caring behavior crosses the line into trying to direct or control them.”

Healthy dependence also means you:

• state your own needs and desires
• ask for support when you find yourself struggling
• feel safe and comfortable expressing your own needs
• let others know when they’re asking too much of you without worrying they’ll reject you

Examples of codependency
Codependency most often shows up in romantic relationships.

According to Ellen Biros, a psychotherapist in Suwanee, Georgia, codependency can make it difficult to:

• set and maintain healthy boundaries
• validate and protect yourself emotionally
• make decisions on your own
• As a result, you might go on to “pick emotionally abusive partners or friends, have trouble recognizing when you need to protect yourself, and remain in dysfunctional relationships,” Biros said.

For example, maybe you:

• give up your entire weekend to help a friend move despite really needing a day to yourself
• agree to help a co-worker with their project, even though it means leaving your own tasks incomplete
• insist on stepping in to help sort things out every time your sister has an argument with her partner
• have trouble making decisions — where to live, whether to pursue a new career, when to spend time with friends — because you worry your choices might conflict with your partner’s needs
• If you tend toward codependency, this pattern will likely play out again and again. All those sacrifices you make might eventually add up, leaving you drained, overwhelmed, and even resentful or angry. Consider visiting our resource page to discover more examples of codependency.

• What causes codependency?
  Codependent behaviors are, for the most part, rooted in childhood relationships with your parents and other caregivers.
• Experiences in your family of origin can play a major part in lifelong emotional and mental health.
• “Most contributing factors to this condition begin with parents who, for one reason or another, have poor boundaries,” Botnick explained. And when your needs continually go unmet, you become unable to assert yourself or even know what you should ask for, she said.

Common causes of codependency
Botnick noted some key situations that might enable or lead to codependency:

• physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
• parents or caregivers who ignore a child’s needs in favor of their own
• a caregiver with a personality disorder, such as borderline, narcissistic, or dependent personality disorder, which may encourage you to suppress your self-identity to accommodate them
• controlling or overprotective caregivers who prevent a child from learning safe limits and setting healthy boundaries
• one or both parents leaving the family, making you afraid of future abandonment
• caregivers alternating between loving and present and distant and unavailable, contributing to an anxious attachment
• criticism and bullying from parents, siblings, or peers that leaves you with lingering insecurity in relationships
• In any of the above circumstances, you might grow up believing your own needs don’t matter, or at least that they can wait. As a result, you learn to ignore what you think, feel, and want, both to keep others happy and keep them from leaving.

Perhaps a primary caregiver living with health or mental health concerns put you in a position where you needed to take care of them. The caretaking behaviors you learned may become so natural that you can’t help but carry them into future relationships.

Or maybe you learned that neglecting your own needs to please others earned you praise. You might grow up aiming to please everyone in your life so you can hold on to their affection and approval.

Support for codependency
Codependency is a learned behavior. That means it’s possible to unlearn the codependent traits causing you distress and affecting your relationships and well-being.

Left unaddressed, codependency can lead to:

• feelings of anxiety or depression
• feelings of emptiness
• a general sense of powerlessness or helplessness
• diminished self-esteem
• hopelessness
• burnout
• Lacking a clear sense of who you are can also keep you from engaging in fulfilling friendships and relationships, leaving you feeling lonely and isolated.

Biros recommended therapy for codependency because it’s a complex dynamic that a person can’t always resolve properly on their own. The support of a trained professional can help you process any unresolved challenges.

A mental health professional can offer support with:

• recognizing key signs of codependency
• overcoming people-pleasing tendencies
• addressing related mental health symptoms, including feelings of guilt, anxiety, or depression
• reconnecting with your sense of self
• setting healthy boundaries
• Therapists trained in family and couples counseling can also offer more insight into family-of-origin issues and help you begin to address childhood experiences that may have led to codependent coping techniques.

Couples counseling — you can go alone or with a partner — also offers a safe space to:

• learn and practice helpful communication techniques
• learn to distinguish healthy interdependence from codependence
• get more comfortable expressing needs and asking for support
• However, if therapy doesn’t feel right for you or isn’t accessible to you right now, there are strategies you can use to help you take the first step.

For example, you may preserve time to spend alone and engage in activities you enjoy. It may take time to develop more independent behaviors, but consider trying strategies that could support your journey.

Next steps
Codependency is putting somebody else’s needs before your own. While it’s very natural to want to support the people you love, it’s also important to draw a line between your needs and theirs.

A life lived for someone else won’t do much to fulfill you. You’ll also find it much easier to offer support when you prioritize your own wellness.

If you have difficulty recognizing your own needs or asking for and accepting support from others, a therapist can offer compassionate guidance and support.

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