Developing a healthy bond with your kids is the goal of any parent. Not only does it impact their relationship with you (their primary caregiver), it also will impact their future relationships–with friends, romantic partners and more. And that bond begins the day they are born.1 How they connect with their caregivers, and whether that connection makes them feel loved and safe, is part of a psychological theory called attachment theory—and ideally children develop a secure attachment to their caregivers that transforms into a deep bond over time. Here’s how to know if your child has formed a secure attachment.

What Is Secure Attachment?
Of the four attachment styles, secure attachment is most optimal for healthy relationships throughout your child’s life.

“Secure attachment develops when caregivers are responsive to a child’s needs,” says Maya Weir, a clinical psychologist and the founder of Thriving California. “The key characteristic is that over time children develop a worldview where others are reliable and trustworthy.”2

Secure attachment begins to form within the first year of life, and is based on a child’s biological need for survival and their psychological need for security.

“Securely attached children explored freely while their caregiver was present, engaged somewhat comfortably with the stranger especially if their caregiver encouraged such interactions, were noticeably upset when the caregiver left, and were generally happy and welcoming of the caregiver’s return,” adds Dr. Ho.

The four main attachment styles are: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. According to Dr. Ho, each attachment style is defined as:

• Secure Attachment: Characterized by trust, comfort with intimacy and independence, and generally stable self-esteem and good resilience skills.
• Avoidant Attachment: Marked by emotional distance, reluctance to depend on others, and suppressing emotional needs, and over reliance on achievements and personal/professional goals as a way to sustain self-esteem.
• Anxious Attachment: Involves fear of abandonment, intense need for closeness, difficulty acting independently especially with major decisions, and preoccupation with relationships as a way to feel good about themselves.
• Disorganized Attachment: Involves significant difficulty with emotional regulation, being in persistent states of fight or flight, lack of a cohesive coping strategy under stress, and believing they don’t deserve good things in life.

Signs Your Child Has Developed a Secure Attachment
Wondering if your child is securely attached? Here are 11 signs to look for, according to clinical psychologists.

They view you as a secure base
According to Dr. Sarah Bren, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist, Co-Founder & Clinical Director at Upshur Bren Psychology Group, you can often see this play out at a playground.

“A child will go off and play, then circle back to their secure base to refuel, then go back off again until they need to return for more connection,” she explains.3

Dr. Bren notes that this may look like your children, as they mature, being able to go off for longer periods of time, maintain larger distances, and begin to use less physical forms of refueling. For example, instead of coming up to you and asking to sit in your lap or get a hug, a child may just make eye contact from afar.

They have a joyful reunion with you
Children who are securely attached should be happy and relieved when they are reunited with their caregiver after a separation, even if it’s brief (like going on a playdate with a friend, or spending the day at school).

“Trust and security are the two elements indicated by this reaction,” says Max Doshay, MA, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist and CEO at Monima Wellness. “The feelings of joy instill that he or she is loved and supported.”

They seek comfort from you when distressed
A securely attached child will also want their caregiver to help soothe painful or uncomfortable feelings.

“Children with secure attachment turn to their caregiver for reassurance during challenging situations, trusting that their needs will be met,” says Dr. Ho.

They have healthy friendships
Another sign your child has secure attachment is that they recover from conflict well with their friends—and forming close friendships may even benefit your child’s mental health.

“When they have an argument with a friend, do they trust that they will make up? Are they able to imagine that their friend might not have meant to hurt them on purpose, but perhaps might have been having a tough day and took it out on them?” says Dr. Bren. “Being able to take another’s perspective, give people the benefit of the doubt, and feel confident that repair is possible are all indicators of a secure attachment style.”

Secure attachment can also lead to the ability to form positive social connections because it helps children learn to trust and empathize with others, just as they have done with primary caregivers.

“It doesn’t mean they get along with everyone, but they show the ability to foster at least a few quality connections,” adds Dr. Ho.

They can name their feelings
The ability to accurately articulate their feelings from a very early age might also show that a child is securely attached. That’s why its so important to make sure you raise an emotional intelligent child.

“By the age of 3, many children with secure attachment will be able to name some of their feelings and discuss how they are feeling,” says Weir. “This is really important because it means they have internalized what the parents have supported them with. This also supports better mental and physical health later on in life.”

They can recover from setbacks
If your children show resilience, they likely have developed secure attachment.

“These children are able to cope relatively well with stress and have the ability to regulate their emotions or learn the necessary skills with relative ease, because they have a foundation of safety and trust,” says Dr. Ho.

They may feel distressed when separated from you
While this may not look like a positive sign of secure attachment, it may signal that your child has developed a healthy relationship with their caregivers—after all, it just means they miss and want to be near you.

“This can often be mistaken for a sign that the child is insecurely attached, but the truth is, when we are securely attached, we can still feel distress about separating from our attachment figures,” says Dr. Bren. “The more important indicator of secure attachment is whether the child is comfortable being soothed by them when they reunite.”

They are affectionate
Securely attached children often won’t hesitate to show affection and or to communicate their feelings of love openly, reflecting their comfort with emotional closeness.

“Everyone expresses their affection differently, but if they seem open to sharing positive emotions and caring for you and others, that’s a great sign,” says Dr. Ho.

They may unleash emotions after school
Dr. Bren notes that this is another less pleasant sign of secure attachment, but parents who are struggling with a cranky kid after school (known as restraint collapse) might actually have reason to be proud of themselves.

“When our children hold it together all day at school, and then as soon as they reunite with us (their secure attachment figure), they let it all loose,” she explains. “They save their ugliest, messiest moments just for us, because they know (consciously or unconsciously) that we are safe containers for this raw unfiltered emotion.”

She adds that she often tells parents this because it’s the only silver lining when we are being totally dumped on–but to rest assured, it’s a sign they feel safe enough to share this part of themselves with you.

They are self-confident
Securely attached kids will show obvious signs of self-confidence—in other words they aren’t afraid to voice their opinions and are honest about their feelings.

“Children who are securely attached generally are more confident, meaning they feel comfortable expressing who they are and expressing their needs,” says Weir. “These kids tend to be verbal faster than other kids and will be happy to name their preferences.”

Tips for Fostering Secure Attachment in Kids
If your child is still young, there are strategies you can implement right away to develop a secure attachment from the start. But it’s never too late too late to help build that bond of trust between parent and child. Here are a few expert-approved tips to keep in mind.

Be consistently responsive to their needs
When children know their caregivers are reliably there to comfort and support them, they build trust and security. “This does not mean you have to be perfect in your response by any means; rather, that you just show up for them and are there to listen and care for them without judgment, even if you don’t have all the answers,” says Dr. Ho.

Provide a safe environment for exploration
Support your child’s ability to explore and try new things, while offering a dependable “safe base” they can return to when needed.

“Encourage them to be independent but also let them know they can depend on you and come back for comfort and more encouragement when needed,” says Dr. Ho.

Doshay adds that this is intended to help children develop trust in their capacities to get things done–provided they can have some form of backup in case of emergency. In fact, the panda parenting style of parenting is explicitly focused on fostering independence and resilience.

“Teaching self-sufficiency yet providing guarantees, boosts the child’s self-confidence [while] helping them understand when it is appropriate to seek assistance,” he says.

Validate their emotions
Showing your kids that you hear their frustrations when they come up, and trying your best to see from their perspective (even if you disagree) is vital.

“Acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings, teaching them that all emotions are acceptable and can be managed in healthy ways,” says Dr. Ho.

Acknowledge your own imperfections–but let them know they’re not responsible
It’s okay to talk about your own emotional expressions and reactions as a parent—the good and the bad. But if you’re going to be honest about your emotional journey as a caregiver, you have to make sure that the child in question doesn’t feel responsible for your own emotional state.

“Let them know when you aren’t at your best, but make sure they know it’s not their fault or their job to help you feel better,” says Dr. Ho.

Engage in quality time and play
Meaningful interactions like play and shared activities strengthen your bond and show your child they are valued, especially when they make your child feel as though you are also interested in the things they are passionate about—even rough play (with some limits) can have mental and physical benefits for you and your kids.

“Put devices away and give them your full attention–let them know they matter,” says Dr. Ho.

Model appropriate behavior
Children thrive when caregivers model emotional regulation and self-care, creating an emotionally stable environment. Even if you’re dealing with a cranky toddler, modeling a calm state of mind will eventually teach them how to calm down, too.

“You can model how you deal with stress, and even when the coping strategies you use don’t work so well,” says Dr. Ho. “It’s a valuable lesson for them to see that you are trying and that while not everything works well, it’s worth taking the time to develop their own individualized coping repertoire.”

Tell your children that you love them
Communicating your love and warmth for your children is really important to develop secure attachment. You might think that your actions show that you love them, and that they probably inherently know, but it’s important to vocalize those feelings as much as you can, too. And there lots more simple ways to make sure your kid knows you love them.

“There is a misconception that children will become spoiled. This is not true; feel free to express as much love and warmth as possible,” says Weir.

Don’t worry about getting it right all the time
While it may seem counterintuitive, Dr. Bren adds that parents who are hyper focused on fostering a secure attachment may be doing more harm than good. Remember to give yourself grace, don’t hold yourself to an impossible standard, and allow yourself to make mistakes as you learn how to be the best parent you can be.

“What actually moves the needle of secure attachment is being present with your child, being authentic, and making mistakes and repairing them,” says Dr. Bren. “Studies have shown that parent-child relationships where attunement was happening just 54% of the time were still predictive of secure attachment.”

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